For the last two months I have been transitioning back to American life after two years of living abroad in Europe. The transition from mountain life in the Swiss Alps to a tropical city in the middle of the (seemingly endless) summer heat has certainly come with some challenges. For one, these two climate zones couldn’t be on farther ends of the spectrum from one another, and I quickly needed to adjust my wardrobe!

Once I got used to constantly sweating (LOL), another added shock to my system was the abundance of things going wrong (with the moving company, with home renovation projects we had undertaken, etc.) as I attempted to settle into my new and old home again. Of course, there were also so many things I missed about Europe: Among them, being able to sleep with my windows open in the crisp, cool air, the freshest melt in your mouth burrata cheese that I ate so much of, and hiking in the beautiful mountains. I can only say… what a whirlwind of emotions, energy, and a never ending to do list it’s been as I am writing this in reflection. You can imagine, my anxiety was high!

I have tried my best to take things as they come, and not rush myself into needing to get everything done right away. At first so much seemed foreign. If that meant adjusting back to the grocery store and enlarged sizes (Costco, you there?), hearing American TV again (especially my husband’s favorite Sunday activity…watching football), or jumping right back into clicking away on my amazon account and getting almost immediate gratification with delivered packages. What a different world American life can be to European life! As foreign as it may have initially felt, it also didn’t take long for the familiarity to come back. We are such creatures of habit, and we have an immense ability to adapt.

In my state of transition, adaptation, and the mountain of tasks I sought to accomplish, I was feeling quite anxious and stressed at times. Thankfully I have a wonderful support system of family and friends, and it’s been great to reconnect with all of them since I returned.

When anxiety is high, I tell my clients first and foremost to observe what is happening within them but also in their surrounding environment, and naturally in their relationships. If we are not closely observing what is (factually) happening, we can’t manage our reactivity or create any sort of change. So that’s what I did. I know from the work I do and from what I have seen in my clients and read in countless books on Bowen family systems theory, that when we are anxious, we tend to do certain things on autopilot. Some of these automatic behaviors could be giving suggestions or advice, assuming responsibility for others, leaning on others, keeping the peace, or getting overinvolved with others. We tend to focus on everything and everyone but ourselves.  

Now I can tell you about how I did some of my focusing on others (like my husband or my children) to manage my own anxiety during this time and I can tell you how I over functioned in areas and underperformed in others. However, I want to share with you an observation about my own reactivity to being on the receiving end of others who may be responding to my anxious state after my move back, and just want to be helpful. This is the tricky part… TO HELP is such an automatic response to anxiety when we see someone struggle, hurt, weak, overwhelmed, scared, tired, defeated, betrayed…you name it!

We try to be helpful with the best intentions. It’s an automatic behavioral action when we are faced with anxiety (in ourselves or in someone else). Yet what we often don’t realize is that we end up calming ourselves more than the person we try to help. Let me say that again, slightly differently. The act of helping is a calming mechanism we automatically do to manage anxious situations or tension in oneself or another.

Subsequently, we get more anxious (or more helpful) when we pick up on the person’s reactivity to us. Anxiety is contagious after all. The reciprocity in a relationship is predictable when we hit that ball of anxiety into the other person’s court….and they then hit it back to us!

Now, I know you are probably thinking "how does being helpful translate into anxiety?” or “how is offering to help someone a bad thing?” Well, it’s not necessarily a “bad” thing but it may not be helpful to someone else, and our helpfulness is often triggered by someone else’s struggle, helplessness, neediness etc., or having to tolerate witnessing the discomfort in someone else.

Have you ever wondered why during thanksgiving at least one person keeps themselves very busy with cooking, cleaning, and trying to please everyone they are hosting? Well, you may think of it as an act of pure kindness which it appears to be, but it can also be an anxious drive to keep everyone else calm, to not be noticed or be put on the spot. So, over functioning for others kicks in. Let’s be honest, thanksgiving or any holiday for that matter that involves a family gathering is almost always a breeding ground for anxiety.

My allergy was to people’s responses to my statements of frustration or overwhelming feelings as I was dealing with settling in after my move. I wasn’t looking for anyone to make anything better because I know that’s not possible. I was occasionally venting and expressing how I was doing. Maybe I liked being a pain in the butt!

Here are a few examples of how anxiety can get picked up by another in how they respond by attempting to make someone feel better:

“I can barely stand the heat it is so hot here” >>>> “The weather will turn soon”

“I am up to my nose with work on the house” >>>> “You’re almost done with the renovation”

“I miss walking my dogs in the mountains” >>>>  “We have the park!”

“Being outside in nature is calming to me” >>>> “You should do yoga”

“I am always sweating walking my dogs” >>>> “Because it’s so hot you don’t have to walk your dogs as much!”

“I’m having a hard time being patient with the traffic here” >>>> “You need to know when to drive where!”

Have you ever found yourself in a back and forth like this (and maybe the language isn’t quite as polite as I’ve depicted it!)? Have you been on the receiving end or were you the one to offer helpful suggestions? I can imagine both. I sure have been on both ends. Perhaps you have not put any notice to it but when we become better observers of our interactions with others, we begin to see the subtleties in our communication systems and how anxiety is often at play in a two or more-person interaction.

What would it take to evoke more curiosity in our conversations with others without offering suggestions or immediately giving counter arguments? How, and what, do we observe when we are managing our feelings of anxiety or if we are being a resource to others?

Would a conversation look differently if we are not trying to be helpful to another and instead meet them where they are at without having to do anything but be ourselves?

In a relationship system, what difference does it make when we allow others to think through their challenges and be responsible for themselves?

When we can let others be who they are and focus on being the best version of ourselves, the possibilities are endless. We can create a more mature, open and flexible communication system.